Hi Monica,

Thanks for your question.

The sacrament of Confession or Reconciliation is open to all who wish to repent of sin, however, the desire to be reconciled to the Church and be absolved must be accompanied by an intention to turn away from all sins they know they are committing. In fact, the word repent means to turn away. Hence, if someone is living a sinful lifestyle and wants to continue in it, there is no purpose in going to Confession. If the person, intentionally, omits to tell the priest that they are living, (and intend to continue live) in sin, then their Confession is sacrilegious and any absolution they receive is invalid. That is, they won't even be forgiven of anything they've confessed  to the priest. If the person tells the priest they intend to continue in sin, then the priest can't absolve them.

This doesn't mean that if we honestly forget to mention a sin, that we are not forgiven. Just as importantly, if, after an honest Confession, we commit the same sin again, we are not held accountable for the sins that have already been confessed.

For example, if a person, living in sin, goes to Confession, after which he or she, takes measures to avoid illicit relations (i.e. they move out), but then falls again in a moment of weakness, that person simply needs to go to Confession again.

They may also need to take better measures to prevent the sin from happening again, up to and including, breaking off the relationship altogether if marriage is not on radar screen.

John

Hi Monica,

Thanks for the question.

If someone is living in sin, their are greatly encouraged go to Confession. From the Church's view: That's what it's their for.

Every man and woman living on the face of the earth, past, present and future will always be drawn to sin.

• Why?

Because of the effects of original sin on our souls. For the Christian, compared to the
non-Christian, the temptations are far less because Christian Baptism removes original sin
from the soul, but the effects still remain.

If one falls into sin, whether it is has to do with the sins of the flesh or some other type of sin, the Church offers Confession because Jesus established this sacrament (John 20:19-23) to remove the sin and bring us back to our post-Baptismal state. Priests are continuing to following Our Lord's command to them,

23 Whoever sins you shall forgive, will be forgiven. Whoever sins you shall retain will be retained. John 20:19-23

The bishops of America have recommended that Catholic families attend the sacrament of Confession on a monthly basis.

In my opinion, the faithful, who have greater responsibilities in the Church, should consider going to Confession more frequently, like every two weeks or so, and consider getting a spiritual director.

Mike

Hi Monica,

As our colleague John pointed out:

If the person, intentionally, omits to tell the priest that they are living, (and intend to continue live) in sin, then their Confession is sacrilegious and any absolution they receive is invalid. That is, they won't even be forgiven of anything they've confessed.

In other words, you can't receive any absolution for any sin until you've repented of and confessed all your known mortal sins. You must be truly and wholly repentant of every sin in order to receive absolution.

Eric

Mike replied:

Hi Monica,

I just wanted to share a analogous story to try to point our what my colleagues are saying:

My point: If we don't tell our doctor what all our ailments are, he can't cure them. In the same way, if we don't tell the priest in Confession all our sins, we will never be made [whole/holy].

It is a sad state that many Catholics want to pick and choose what they want to believe as Catholics.

Nevertheless, Catholics can neither pick and choose what sins to tell the priests and expect to be made [whole/holy], which is the purpose of Confession.

One big temptation, that can bother many Catholics who go to Confession is being too embarrassed to tell Father, that one.  This line of prideful thinking is usually accompanied by a line of thinking that says:

"Father Larry knows me as a holy, prayerful, practicing Catholic. If I tell him that sin, he will be so disappointed with me."

This is type of prideful thinking can happen to many of us. What is needed is humility.
It's like telling Father Larry,

"I'm going to tell you about my weak legs, weak feet, and sore hands, but I don't want you to know about my broken back and the heart pains I have had."

• If we don't tell our medical doctor everything that is wrong, he can't mend it.
• If we don't tell our spiritual doctor everything that is wrong spiritually, he can't mend it.

Through humility and sincerity we destroy the demonic in our lives.

Hope this helps,

Mike

Monica,

Let me put it this way.

Confession is not a rap session with Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey!!

Confession is a sacrament meant only for people who want to turn away from their sin, all sin!

Confession is designed to put us back in right standing with God and His Church. Just as,
in Baptism and Confirmation, we renounce all sin, in Confession, we confess specific sins under the supposition that we reject all sin to begin with. Moreover, just as in Baptism and Confirmation, we affirm that we accept all that the Church teaches because it is revealed from God, in Confession, we seek reconciliation with God and His Church, because we've failed to live according to His Teaching.

In the case you describe, the girl obviously rejects the Churches teaching on sexual morality. Therefore, while she may call herself a Catholic, she is no longer in full union with the Church.
In other words, she is by definition a Protestant, although not formally a member of any other community. It is impossible to be 99% Catholic. It's a binary proposition. One is either Catholic or not.

Seeking to confess only certain sins is not an indication that she wants to get right with God and His Mercy. Rather, it simply indicates she has a psychological need to relieve her conscience. While that need is real, in and of itself, it does not constitute contrition let alone repentance.

The Church is not in the business of making people feel better about themselves while they continue on a road of spiritual destruction. To the contrary, Holy Mother Church in the business of saving souls, therefore she has no authority to absolve the sins of the unrepentant.

While this girl should indeed seek spiritual counseling, she should also ask God for the grace to see her destructive lifestyle for what it is.

John

Monica,

I would like to add something to the other answers. Conversion or repentance is a total thing.
One cannot repent of stealing from the boss and not repent of lying to him. Well, I guess one can regret one more than the other, but if you care about hurting the boss at all, you will be sorry for both. With God, one must bring all known sins to Him with a desire to turn away from them and turn back to Him. When one goes to Confession, one is turning back to God and entering into full communion with the Body of Christ. One does not say:

"I turn this bit and that bit back to you, God, but not this other bit that I really still like to do — that part stays outside."

God, of course, forgives us when we are sorry for sin, but if we are truly sorry for sin, we should be sorry for sin, not for this one and not for that one. Confession and repentance are not a matter of clearing up our consciences of the things that bother us; they are a turning to God.

Just pray for the grace to do God's will. God forgives what you are sorry for. The priest's absolution is meant to admit you fully back into the Church and the sacraments — he can't give it unless all things are brought forth and intended to be resolved.

Mary Ann

Monica,

It sounds like your friend is searching for answers. That is always a good sign.

It has been said that the best way a Catholic can lead a non-Catholic to the Church is by being an authentic Catholic and living an authentically Catholic life that bears witness to others.

If your friend truly wants to lead her boyfriend to the Catholic Church, then she needs to start by living like a Catholic. In that manner, her boyfriend will understand how serious her faith is to her. If he truly loves her, he will understand and forego relations unit they are married.

It sounds like they have already set up house together and are on their way to marriage.

If the marriage is not far off, it could be possible for them to simply abstain from relations. Moving into separate rooms would be advisable so as to lessen the temptations to sin, but this solution doesn't always work. We are, after all, human beings and thus subject to falling.

Seeking spiritual counseling is certainly a good place to start.

If her boyfriend is interested in the Church, we would be happy to answer some of his doctrinal questions. Better yet, he should enter an RCIA program as a pre-catechumen (that's a fancy term for a seeker or someone who is thinking about becoming a Catholic, but has yet to decide.)

He may want to consider buying a cheap copy of the Catechism of the Catholic Church as well.

If we can be of further assistance, please feel free to contact us.

John