Hi, Arson —

We can have people in our lives (friends and family) that we care deeply about and love and who are important to us, and there is no need or obligation for us to express that love sexually. We can just be friends and love each other with a pure love that isn't interested in using each other for sexual pleasure.

Sexual contact (and the sexual drive in general) is extremely powerful, and it can do great damage to us if we misuse it. That's why God has given us specific instructions for how to use it. It's sort of like fire; fire is good when it's in the fireplace, controlled, but not good when it's misused or in an uncontrolled situation. And the instructions God has lovingly given us exclude the use of sexuality in the manner you describe for our protection.

One of the things that we have to avoid that often crops up in the context of the use of the gift of sexuality is that we are strongly tempted to use each other for our own selfish gain (for example, for sexual pleasure). This is the opposite of authentic love, which is total self-giving. And the self-giving that involves the body in human sexuality should be so total that it is exclusive and life-long. The Youcat (Youth Catechism) explains it this way:

At 13 you're going through a lot of changes. Adolescence is a confusing time for nearly all people, and what people feel at 13 may not be what shakes out when they exit adolescence. Society also places a great deal of pressure on adolescents, and there are a lot of voices out there that are not worth listening to, and may be destructive. It is good that you are thinking of putting your trust in God, and I would certainly encourage that. He can help you navigate this turbulent period. Also, don't forget about your parents; they are your allies and want the best for you, so keep the lines of communication open with them. Especially let them know that you are having trouble keeping from killing yourself.

So, while admittedly, it takes a lot of courage and wherewithal, I'd encourage you to shelve the physical intimacy during adolescence. If your partner loves you as much as you love them, then they will respect this. Like I said it doesn't mean you can't have a close friendship with them.

As for tips for prayer, I do assure you that God is real! He has worked in my life and in the lives of the people I know. The first thing I would start with is to recognize the specific ways that you have wronged God or wronged other people (or wronged yourself) — we call this "sin" — and confess these things to God in prayer, make a firm pledge to God to avoid them in future, and ask for his grace (supernatural help) to do that. (We call this repentance.) Sin destroys us, often in ways we do not realize. Scripture says that "the wages of sin is death", that is to say, that when we sin, we deal spiritual death to ourselves, and we all sin in many ways. But God sent his son, Jesus Christ, to suffer and be sacrificed on the Cross so that our sins might be forgiven, and we be healed from their effects. He paid the debt of our sins and made it possible to be freed from its power. So the first order of business is to take your sins and ask God in prayer, by accepting his Son's sacrifice on the Cross, to forgive and heal them. If you are Catholic, the ideal context for this prayer is the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Then, make a resolution to God in prayer to learn his teachings and follow Him.

If following Christ is too big a step for you at this point, just establish a relationship with God by treating him as a Friend who cares about you and loves you (because he does). Scripture says, "Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7). Express to Him the things that are on your heart. You say that your partner "keeps me from killing myself". Perhaps you can start to lean on God for that support. I myself had a profound experience when, like you, I was tempted to kill myself, but I decided instead to give my life to Christ, who I knew could do something with it. I let him "take" my life by deciding to follow him unreservedly, and I felt a definite life-changing Presence. And then I knew that God was real and that he loved me.

A simple Agnostic's Prayer is,

"Oh my God if there is a God, save my soul, if I have a soul."

But I encourage you to go beyond that. Ask God to work in your life. If you have a sense of love for God, tell Him so. If you don't, ask Him to give it to you. Make a habit of praying each day. When you wake up, offer the day to God. When something good happens, thank God. When you need something, ask God. When you're in distress, cry out to God. When you are afraid, ask God for strength and guidance and to teach you to trust in Him.

You may not immediately notice the effects of prayer, but God is listening. You say, "I tried a couple of times, but it doesn't do anything", but be patient and persevere. God will eventually come through in his own timing.

When the Disciples asked Jesus how to pray, He gave them the Lord's Prayer, which is good to use if you can't think of anything to say on your own:

Finally, I encourage you to start reading Scripture; start with the Gospels, perhaps the Gospel of Mark.