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Julian Thomason wrote: |
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Hello, and thanks for all the great work y'all do.
I told my wife before going to Mass that I needed to go to Confession; she gave me a bad look because I knew she probably suspected I looked at pornography again, which I did. Instead of telling her the main reason I was going, I told her a secondary reason that I needed advice on some stuff like debt, but I didn't say that was the only reason I was going.
She didn't ask me if I looked at porn, so I didn't mention that.
- Would I have been obliged to tell her about the porn use in that situation under pain of sin, or do I have a right to keep that information to myself?
I really would have admitted it if she had asked me, but I didn't want to make her mad and ruin her day, so I didn't mention the porn.
- The secondary question is, what should I have done with a $600 check that I received for hitting a deer with my truck?
The truck has a loan on it, but I'm in the process of filing for bankruptcy, so the truck is going to get repoed (repossessed), so I didn't see a reason to save the $600. and needed to use it because I had no money left in my checking account. I used it for groceries, gas, (snacks and junk food), and nicotine.
- Should I pay some money back on the truck loan, which is going to get wiped out of my life soon, or just let it go and not worry about it?
The repairs would have been $2,600. total, so I definitely can't afford to fix the truck without getting back into a credit card spiral, which is why I'm filing for bankruptcy in the first place.
I don't know if restitution is something I should be concerned about and if I should mention this $600 in Confession. The check only had my name on it, and it's all gone now.
Julian
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| { Am I obliged to tell my wife about any sins I plan to mention during Confession and what should I do with the check I received? } |
Bob replied:
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Dear Julian,
Thanks for the questions.
You are not obliged to disclose to anyone, matters that are reserved for Confession, and when it comes to voluntary admission to your wife, you must exercise discretion (but never lie). While the Scriptures tell us to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16), it doesn't provide context, which we need to work out. You are better off getting an accountability partner in a male friend you can trust and start taking your exodus from a porn habit to its final conclusion. There can be no porn in your life if you want to honor your marriage and Christ. Here are some resource ideas to consider below.
As far as the $600, bring it to Confession as an element of your financial irresponsibility to date.
It isn't theft, but really a sign of those elements in your life that haven't quite grown up. Being a man is taking full responsibility; you are not a teenager anymore, so you need to start living like a grown-up. I didn't have a dad growing up, so I was a little slow to discover the truth about responsibility; there was no one smacking me upside the head to tell me to get with it. I don't know your situation in that regard but smack your own self in the head and resolve to become the man your wife, your children, and especially God needs. You can do better with God's help in prayer! Good men pray and pray you must.
Ultimately, you can't really fix the financial mess you made, or you wouldn't be seeking bankruptcy. On the other side of this legal case, use financial planning, like the kind offered by Dave Ramsey (you can find him online, in books, or on the radio) or anything different than what you did before. Failure is part of every life, but it must become a springboard for something different in order to avoid the same disaster. I'm sure you know the definition of insanity: doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.
God bless you in your new efforts.
Peace,
Bob Kirby |
Julian replied:
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Bob,
Thanks a bunch,
I will bring up the $600 later, as it slipped my mind last time I went to Confession, but I did bring up my wasteful financial habits with the priest. He agreed that I could pay restitution for some junk spending I made on my cards recently, so I'm working on paying some restitution as I can before I completely file for bankruptcy.
I was debt-free and following Dave Ramsey at the start of 2020.
After going through extreme mental health struggles, I am now going to a psychologist and am working the best I can to get my life back on track.
I'm 33 now, and I am in about over 110K in consumer debt, and it is ruining me, so, "yes," the bankruptcy will put me at a fresh start, and I'll never swipe a credit card again.
I unfortunately just ran into more trouble mentally last night. The subject of attending my brother's gay marriage and the morality of doing IVF came up while talking with my sister, and I said my piece on that it is wrong to do it, and no one should.
So, my sister got my mom to call me a little while later, and I blew up at her because she is a lapsed Catholic who is full-on against fundamental things in the Church, like even Confession.
I feel terrible for blowing up and telling mom that I'm tired of them picking and choosing what they want to believe, and I reiterated what sin is. I totally don't want to get into these theological arguments, but they find me, no matter what I try to do, because people seem compelled to challenge me on these issues.
I later called mom and apologized for being so quick and rude to her and losing my cool.
Any help discerning the gravity of this and if I sinned against the 4th commandment would be great because now, I'm scrupulously going over these phone calls over and over.
I also apologized to my sister for making her mad, but I can't just stand by and let people seek reassurance for grave sins like gay weddings and IVF.
Thanks for the advice. Any further advice would be appreciated.
Julian |
Mike replied:
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Dear Evan,
I'm not sure whether Bob finished up with your question or not so let me take a crack.
You said below:
I unfortunately just ran into more trouble mentally last night. The subject of attending my brother's gay marriage and the morality of doing IVF came up while talking with my sister, and I said my piece on that it is wrong to do it, and no one should.
So, my sister got my mom to call me a little while later, and I blew up at her because she is a lapsed Catholic who is full-on against fundamental things in the Church, like even Confession.
I feel terrible for blowing up and telling mom that I'm tired of them picking and choosing what they want to believe, and I reiterated what sin is. I totally don't want to get into these theological arguments, but they find me no matter what I try to do, because people seem compelled to challenge me on these things.
This is where Apologetics comes in handy. Our database and Catholic Answers are a great resource for help. 1 Peter 3:15-16 states:
| 1. 3 15 But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16 keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. |
Note the blue italicized part. If you feel like you can't talk on a Church issue now, don't, but tell your questioner, "I'm not sure about that question but let me get back to you after talking to my other friends who would have a good reply." Use Church friends and priest-friends to help you understand the topic better.
There may also be tough issues the Church teaches that you have a hard time understanding. That's human. The key is taking a persevering approach to understanding the Church's teachings especially with daily prayer.
We have to enter all our studies with the mind-set,
- "I know the Church is right; why aren't I seeing it?"
That said, if you know and understand the reasoning behind what the Church teaches, you may be in the very tough situation where friends and family members are trying to bait you into an argument they know will never be resolved between the two of you.
Unless you can talk constructively with a friend or family member, it may be better to not talk at all since one side is not sincere in dialoguing.
I hope this helps,
Mike
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